Flipping the Script: How to Change Your Relationship with Anxiety

Emma Shimony, Psy.D. MPH

When we think of anxiety, often our first association is “How can I get rid of this?” 

Anxiety can present differently for each person. For some, it shows up physically in the form of heart racing, sweaty palms, or gastrointestinal issues. For others, anxiety is experienced more psychologically through racing or catastrophic thoughts. We may respond to our anxiety through avoidance, or by feeling the urge to seek reassurance or “answers,” as we attempt to gain certainty and control over a situation that is causing distress.

Whatever your particular flavor of anxiety, all of these manifestations can feel very overwhelming and uncomfortable. It therefore makes total sense to view anxiety as something “bad,” “dangerous,” or something to fear!

What if the goal wasn’t to eliminate anxiety?

Experiencing anxiety is a normal, inevitable part of being human. From a biological perspective, anxiety is our brain’s way of protecting us. In the face of a threat, an important part of our brain called the amygdala, processes emotions and activates the fight or flight response. So, when we feel a rush of adrenaline, our brains are telling us, “Alert! I think you’re in grave danger!” 

While this response was highly adaptive when humans were facing threats such as bears or lions, now that we have evolved as a society, the daily dangers we encounter have shifted over time and are rarely life-or-death situations such as these. However, our brains still send us the same message, “Alert! I think you are in grave danger!” despite being triggered by situations that are not actually life-threatening, such as a work presentation or a cocktail party. As such, our natural response is, “I need to do anything I can to remove myself from danger. If I don’t, something bad could happen.”

When we experience this fear signal and the corresponding feeling of anxiety, we may cope through avoidance, reassurance-seeking, answer-seeking, or rumination. All of these responses are intended to ameliorate the physical and psychological discomfort of anxiety. 

While these techniques may offer temporary relief, ultimately they are reinforcing the idea that we do not have the ability to tolerate and cope through our anxiety, as well as colluding with an overestimation of the threat level of the stressors we are facing.

Changing your relationship with anxiety means responding to the cues differently.

When you first notice the signs of anxiety, instead of asking, “How do I make this feeling disappear?" try this:

1. Notice what is happening: Pause for a moment, notice what sensation is coming up for you. Are you noticing your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your thoughts flooding your brain? Name that you are anxious without asking yourself a question (i.e., is this going to get worse, what if I can’t handle this feeling, what if I start hyperventilating).

   
   

2. Recognize what your brain is trying to do: Acknowledge that your brain is trying to protect you. Try giving your anxiety a physical form by imagining it as a small action-figure sitting on your shoulder. It can be a made up figure you imagined yourself, it can be a character from a movie, or a childhood pet.

   
   

3. Thank your anxiety, but don’t let it take over: Thank your “anxiety action-figure” for this alarm while reminding it that you are the one making decisions. For example, if the anxiety figure you imagined was Fear, played by Bill Hader from Inside Out, you might try to say, “Thanks for trying to keep me safe, Fear. I know you’re worried, but I got this.” Remember that Fear is prompting you to underestimate your ability to cope in this situation.

   
   

4. Choose values: Proceed mindfully. Notice what it is that your anxiety is telling you to do. Is it telling you to ruminate, avoid, cancel the plans you made, or run away? Then check in with your values instead. Maybe you planned to attend this event because spending time with friends or family is important to you. Anxiety might tell you to stay at home, but your values are pointing you in a different direction. 

   
   

5. Remember who is in control: Remind yourself that while you don’t have control over what anxious thoughts your anxiety action-figure may feed you, you do have agency in how you respond to these thoughts. The more you allow your anxiety action-figure to dictate your actions, the more your life becomes driven by your fear instead of values.  

   
   

6. Use Humor: Use humor! Our brains can be incredibly creative. Try to repeat the anxious thought in the voice of your anxiety action-figure. Sing the thought. Or, say it in a funny voice. Sometimes learning to laugh with the complexity of what your brain can create can take away some of anxiety’s power. 

Relief often comes not from fighting your anxiety, but from learning to live alongside it in a new way. As your confidence in your ability to cope increases, anxiety tends to become elevator music in the background of your brain. With time, you may grow to appreciate your brain’s way of trying to protect you, while realizing that your threat thermometer is not always accurate. 

At Silver Therapy Group we are acutely aware of the impact anxiety can have on your life. Instead of trying to desperately fight or run away from your fears, changing the way you relate to, experience, and respond to your anxiety can provide the freedom to live in greater alignment with your goals and values. If you have found these exercises to be helpful, please reach out to learn more about CBT and ACT therapy! We would be honored to support you.